Short Comings

She noticed me first. I was stocking shelves and caught her looking at me. I think she’s cute and apparently she has some kind of interest in my appearance. I don’t know anyone yet. I don’t know anything about this new situation. This new job, new apartment, new city, new life. So it takes time to get to know her better. Months in fact. We exchange glances every chance we get, but never say a word. I don’t see her at work for several weeks and I’m beginning to think she doesn’t work here anymore.

The next time I see her I’m leaving work as she’s coming in.

With great anticipation in my inflection, I manage, “I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“Yeah, I’ve been busy with school.” She says, plainly.

“Oh, cool. Where do you go to school?”

“BC.”

“Nice. Well, it’s good to see you again.” I start to walk away, then turn back to her.

“Hey, what’s your name, by the way?”

“Aria”

“I’m Dane, nice to meet you officially.” Officially? So stupid.

The encounter is uneventful except for the fact that we have spoken and acknowledged each other.

I don’t speak much. Especially with people—with women that I like. I suppose it’s nerves, but I concluded once that it’s the fact that all I can think about when I’m near them is how much I want to ask them out. But I never think it’s the right moment, so it never is. Then they just drift farther and farther away while my heart and emotions reach out more and get stronger but only from the inside. It seems like no matter what, a girl and situation like this is always appearing in my life. She happens to be the first in a while. Strange.

We rarely talked after that. She’s in Thailand now. I have her email address.

2011
08/30
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A Tragedy

Three days later he was found mangled on the rocks. A righteous early burial demoralized by the uncontrollable. When his body floated out to sea, the tide carried it out of sight, there was nothing left to do. His people thought he was gone forever. They saw it all happen. Too fast to recount accurately, but too slow for his comfort. He stood tall and still. Courageous. Surrounded. No one spoke a word. He could already feel his soul escaping his body.

 

He told them to take refuge in the cliffs overlooking the beach. He had an elaborate plan, he told them. He was always good with words. But there was no elaborate plan. His lie was a truth, to save them. He knew it would be his end. 

 

 

First came the strike across his chest. He felt nothing. The dense wooden club hit with such force that his breast bone cracked not once but twice and collapsed toward his heart. His breath was lost and soon he would never feel the weight of his body on his feet again. He fell to his knees. Both knees hit the soft wet sand, and comfort was all he knew. In sync with the silence between each crashing wave he settled upright for a moment. As the next wave approached, the swing of the club came to the back of his head knocking him out cold. Face down he fell to the water’s edge. The breaking waves brought the cold algae strewn salt water in to kiss the top of his bloody head. He lay lifeless, breathing slowly and sparsely. From the safe distance he had left them, they could do nothing but watch and fear. As the tides changed water began to fill his lungs. There he would lie until the changing tide would feel his last breath and carry him away.

2010
06/16
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I Found the End of the Internet

I sit for hours wasting my time on the computer. I don’t understand how I’ve written this much so far without being distracted. I sit there and stare and wonder why I don’t think about things? Why the time I waste is truely being wasted, not just metaphorically.

Sometimes I’ll go to Facebook, the greatest shit-hole of the latest generation and I’ll look at people I used to know, who I used to care about. And then, when I’m done looking at pictures of girls I used to be “in love with”, I stoop to the lowest of low of levels. I start looking at my own profile page. I look at the info tab that doesn’t have any info on it because I don’t really give a shit and if you’re my friend you already know all the info you need to know. So I’m just looking at nothing that I already know everything about; wondering what other people think when they see it. Especially that one girl! FUCK! So, yes, that’s the end of the Internet. When you start looking at your own shit and wondering what others think of it. That’s when you’ve seen everything.

Behold, the end of the Internet:

http://www.facebook.com/skip.mackintosh

2010
05/20
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Gnawing On Your Fingers

On that sunny spring afternoon the train ride was dark, demeaning even. The riders piled on lost in their daily routines, in their lifeless lives. Faces fixed and dreamlike. The loud PA announced the closing doors but didn’t trigger the slightest reaction. Lost in my dilemma and trying to make sense of it all I spied her. She was on her way home, or on her way to work or school, or to visit her parents. I don’t know. But she had life and that’s all that mattered. No one noticed but me. The whole car was filled with blank quiet stares as she gnawed anxiously on her fingers. She wasn’t especially easy on the eyes. She would have annoyed me if I knew her better. She sat there though, full of energy and expectant. She gnawed on the tips of her fingers. She gnawed on those things with fervor. All 10 of them in succession with determination. Tearing off the perfect amount of flesh and nail each bout. Nothing in the world was more important. Her spittle softened the nails and pruned the skin. Blood would spout out at any moment from her tips.

I noticed black streaks of city dirt and grime around the air conditioner vents and the nasty train air made me uneasy as I watched the nail biter. I wondered how dirty her hands were and what parts of the train she had touched before her battle began? Which homeless man’s hands were now in her mouth? As much as I wanted this to matter, none of it did at that moment. I couldn’t find a thing wrong with it. She found life among the dead. Her child likeness was captivating, inspiring. It was a nasty habit, but life did not stand still while it passed her by. At that moment she was the greatest.

The clatter of the wheels to the rail, the screeching breaks and the obnoxious PA indicator bells signaled my exit from this desperate, fragile and perfect scene. Her destination was left unknown to me, limitless if you ask me.

2010
04/15
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The Civil Wars – “Dance Me to the End of Love”

This is such a beautiful version of this song. I can’t get over it.  One day this song will mean something more to me, but I like it just the way it is right now.

2010
03/18
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All We Need is Love

2010
03/17
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Kaleidoscope

Check this out!

http://www.zefrank.com/dtoy_vs_byokal/

2010
03/16
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Teachers and Education

I have a keen interest in the development and reformation of the American education system. I don’t have a solution to any problem, I’m not certified or qualified to make remarks on the subject, but I am involved in a small part of the  system. As an after school tutor at 826 Boston (www.826boston.org), I see kids everyday who come from diverse and sometimes difficult situations in life.  My experience happens to be limited, but who cares about my experience. The people who know the issuses best are the people in the classrooms everyday. The teachers. So why not listen to them?

The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation may have gotten it right with this one.  http://www.gatesfoundation.org/united-states/Pages/americas-teachers-report.aspx

So what do we do now? What do we do with this information? Let’s get the discussion going and find out the answers.

2010
03/05
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Daily Realizations #1.5

I realized today that I don’t have very many realizations every day like I thought I might. So I’m not sure what this means. I think, and I don’t like this thought but it’s the thing that keeps coming to me, that I don’t think about things enough or in the right way. But I don’t know for sure. Maybe I just don’t have anyone to bounce the ideas I have off of and that makes me not believe in the validity of those thoughts. I really don’t know.

One thing I did realize today was that it would be really cool to make a video like this one: OK Go – This Too Shall Pass – RGM version.

I couldn’t find the video on VodPod so youtube it is.

2010
03/05
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Daily Realizations – Starting Today#1

A former love:

I love how I seem to ruin her day when she see’s me now. I’m the worst thing in the world. No verbal exchange. Just a dirty look. She must really hate me. I’ve tried to understand, maybe not hard enough, but I don’t think I can. I know she thinks I hate her but the truth is I honestly don’t. I want to sometimes. God do I want to sometimes. But I know that we’re on our own paths and dealing with our own problems. In fact I’m probably just as messed up as her in my own way. No. I know I am.

Maybe every time I see her and ruin her day she thinks about something she wouldn’t have otherwise? I know I think about things that I wouldn’t have thought of if I hadn’t seen her. That’s good. We can certainly assume a lot of things. I guess the point is that every interaction we have makes us think differently, and it’s for the best even if it sucks at the time. And it sucks a lot right now. I just hope we’re all thinking.

2010
02/26
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